Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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