my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
