she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
