Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
