you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
