I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I am one with the molecules
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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