You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
