Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
