I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Plan B is the new Plan A
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
