If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
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One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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