my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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