apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
