it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
