Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
