She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
