i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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