Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
