If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize