I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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