Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.