the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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