I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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