Are we in a gay sports bar?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
