Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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