Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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