So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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