Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Little spoons don't ask big questions
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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