i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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