My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
