i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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