3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
