I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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