im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
