she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
