Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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