You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My breath smells like gin and sadness
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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