He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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