plz talk dirty to me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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