She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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