Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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