I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
