My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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