how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
