How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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