Non-Jews are for practice
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
