They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
