take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
