My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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