Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
