smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
