i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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