My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
