I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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