Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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