cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
