a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
