Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
