His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
