The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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