Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
