How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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