I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
