Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Alive.
So much puke
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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