Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
