I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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